Funny Story,
I just added this hit counter thingo to my blog, cause I like to know I'm appreciated!! Anyway, it turns out not being able to spell is actually a good thing!
The only new hits on the blog were from someone searching for baked rissotto - turns out they can't spell either and my blog is number one for misspelt rissotto!!
Hey - if you come back - just message me and I'll send you the recipe, it's good, we're having it again tonight!!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Grief
(as an aside to start with, I just have to let you know, it took me three tries to spell that title correctly, I think it's correct now?)
Our birds died the other day. Not just your average budgies, but two hand tame 9 year old cockatiels. They should have lived for around another 5 years or so, and we are very upset. We don't know what happened, something strange for them both to go at the same time. This situation highlighted to me that I am not good at grief.
I did the same thing when my Grandmother died. I'm not sure what the stages of grief are supposed to me, I'll look them up one day, but the one I go for first is self blame. In fact, I don't even know if that is a stage!
With Nana i blamed myself for not visiting often enough, for not praying enough, for her being alone when she died, I felt guilty for not enjoying our visits enough and for not telling her how much I loved her enough. I still feel somewhat this way, especially when there's an episode of some show with a person dying surrounded by thier loving family. I mean, Nana had a loving family, and we visited her, but at the actual moment, she was alone.
Then when the birds died, I blamed myself for neglecting them, for not checking on them often enough, for not letting them out of thier cage enough etc etc. I can't even greive (so seriously cannot spell that word) for them properly because of the huge ball of guilt in my stomach.
Another part of my problem is I think I over attach. I still cry about my dog that died 9 years ago. I guess it's better than being detached, but it hurts more.
I just did a bit of web browsing and found quite a helpfull article. Here's the link
www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
this one's good too.
www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resources/grief_and_loss.htm
Hey, the web is actually a usefull tool, I feel better after reading those. I'm not as disfunctional as i thought! perhaps a bit heavy on the guilt and attachment, but not too crazy!
Our birds died the other day. Not just your average budgies, but two hand tame 9 year old cockatiels. They should have lived for around another 5 years or so, and we are very upset. We don't know what happened, something strange for them both to go at the same time. This situation highlighted to me that I am not good at grief.
I did the same thing when my Grandmother died. I'm not sure what the stages of grief are supposed to me, I'll look them up one day, but the one I go for first is self blame. In fact, I don't even know if that is a stage!
With Nana i blamed myself for not visiting often enough, for not praying enough, for her being alone when she died, I felt guilty for not enjoying our visits enough and for not telling her how much I loved her enough. I still feel somewhat this way, especially when there's an episode of some show with a person dying surrounded by thier loving family. I mean, Nana had a loving family, and we visited her, but at the actual moment, she was alone.
Then when the birds died, I blamed myself for neglecting them, for not checking on them often enough, for not letting them out of thier cage enough etc etc. I can't even greive (so seriously cannot spell that word) for them properly because of the huge ball of guilt in my stomach.
Another part of my problem is I think I over attach. I still cry about my dog that died 9 years ago. I guess it's better than being detached, but it hurts more.
I just did a bit of web browsing and found quite a helpfull article. Here's the link
www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
this one's good too.
www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resources/grief_and_loss.htm
Hey, the web is actually a usefull tool, I feel better after reading those. I'm not as disfunctional as i thought! perhaps a bit heavy on the guilt and attachment, but not too crazy!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
I am a control freak
I rediscovered this fact last night. I kind of allready knew, it tends to be a major personality contributor to depression, but this conversation I had last night drove it home.
You know those horrible telemarketer calls, usually at the busiest time of day, and usually from someone in some far distant country with an accent so thick you can only make out half of what they are saying. Man, those people are well trained!
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, with a decent amount of interpersonal skills too, but this guy last night - he had me wrapped around his little finger.
It took me a good three quarters of the call to work out what he was talking about, and by then I had apparently agreed to change my phone carrier? It was not untill I was in the middle of some recording I worked out what was going on - i thought he just wanted to confirm my details so he could send me some information. And I felt to stupid to change my mind half way through. Voila - new phone company. The first thing I did when I got off the phone was put myself on the do not call register.!
I stewed over this for hours, i felt stupid, taken advantage of, almost violated. It was not untill 11.30 last night I worked out what my problem was. I was not in control of the situation. I had not made an informed decision, i was not in control of the phone call, I felt forced into a decision etc etc. I HATE feeling controlled by another person.
So what can I learn?? Well, I can learn to say no more quickly to telemarketers. But on a deeper level? - I guess it's a good thing to recognise problems in oneself in order to work on them. There are going to be situations in life that I can not control, especially with a family. I guess I need to learn to relinquish control in appropriate situations. And to recognise the anxious feelings that come with a lack of control and try to control (probably the wrong word!!) or manage them better.
You know those horrible telemarketer calls, usually at the busiest time of day, and usually from someone in some far distant country with an accent so thick you can only make out half of what they are saying. Man, those people are well trained!
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, with a decent amount of interpersonal skills too, but this guy last night - he had me wrapped around his little finger.
It took me a good three quarters of the call to work out what he was talking about, and by then I had apparently agreed to change my phone carrier? It was not untill I was in the middle of some recording I worked out what was going on - i thought he just wanted to confirm my details so he could send me some information. And I felt to stupid to change my mind half way through. Voila - new phone company. The first thing I did when I got off the phone was put myself on the do not call register.!
I stewed over this for hours, i felt stupid, taken advantage of, almost violated. It was not untill 11.30 last night I worked out what my problem was. I was not in control of the situation. I had not made an informed decision, i was not in control of the phone call, I felt forced into a decision etc etc. I HATE feeling controlled by another person.
So what can I learn?? Well, I can learn to say no more quickly to telemarketers. But on a deeper level? - I guess it's a good thing to recognise problems in oneself in order to work on them. There are going to be situations in life that I can not control, especially with a family. I guess I need to learn to relinquish control in appropriate situations. And to recognise the anxious feelings that come with a lack of control and try to control (probably the wrong word!!) or manage them better.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
More Life Lessons
Did you know that it's not a good idea to cook dinner, bath the kids and blog all at the same time. I mean, I know us mothers are well known for our ability to multi task, but when one is as tired and worn out as I, and one totally forgot to eat lunch, it might be a good idea to leave it to just two tasks.
Mind you, I did manage to pull it off, almost. All I forgot to do was add the secret zucchini to the baked rissotto. My kids won't eat zucchini, so I grate it into sauces and other things so they don't know it's there. I was doing my usuall beating up on myself for being so hopeless, when i realised. My kids are not going to be malnourished just because they missed out on less than a quarter of a grated zucchini!!!
Oh yeah, and the kids are still sitting in a cold bath because i couldn't be bothered getting them out yet!
So - the lessons learnt from tonights escapades.
1. I am woman hear me roar! - I can multitask, even on no sleep or food!
2. Don't bash yourself up before checking the facts. (hmmm, maybe just don't bash yourself up would be a better lesson but i think it might take a bit more for me to learn it than this)
3. It's allright to ignore your kids now and then. Hang on, scrap that one, that's a bad one. Don't do that - especially when they are in the bath. My kids are old enough and loud enough to call for help.
Mind you, I did manage to pull it off, almost. All I forgot to do was add the secret zucchini to the baked rissotto. My kids won't eat zucchini, so I grate it into sauces and other things so they don't know it's there. I was doing my usuall beating up on myself for being so hopeless, when i realised. My kids are not going to be malnourished just because they missed out on less than a quarter of a grated zucchini!!!
Oh yeah, and the kids are still sitting in a cold bath because i couldn't be bothered getting them out yet!
So - the lessons learnt from tonights escapades.
1. I am woman hear me roar! - I can multitask, even on no sleep or food!
2. Don't bash yourself up before checking the facts. (hmmm, maybe just don't bash yourself up would be a better lesson but i think it might take a bit more for me to learn it than this)
3. It's allright to ignore your kids now and then. Hang on, scrap that one, that's a bad one. Don't do that - especially when they are in the bath. My kids are old enough and loud enough to call for help.
Answers Answers
My Dear Hubby read the last post and this was his reply.
NO - we would not be raw food vegans and if I new you had such tendencies I'm not sure I would have married you!
Of course, he was joking about that last bit, but the general consensus is that chicken nuggets are better than celery sticks! Feed the man meat!
NO - we would not be raw food vegans and if I new you had such tendencies I'm not sure I would have married you!
Of course, he was joking about that last bit, but the general consensus is that chicken nuggets are better than celery sticks! Feed the man meat!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Questions Questions
These issues have been bothering me.
Do hash browns count as a vegetable serving? Do chicken nuggets count as a protien serving?
If I put them both together and call them dinner will child services come and take my children away?
If I add a token serving of frozen peas does this make everything better?
I wish I could go back in time and have serious words to whoever invented convenience and take away foods. Dinner time is frought (is that the right word?) with guilt, good old mother guilt. I know I should serve a wholegrain, whole food organic diet with five serves of vegies per day etc etc, but quite frankly, I am weak.
There is too much temptation in the shopping freezer cabinets, things that make my life just that little bit easier. I just don't have the energy some nights to do a proper dinner. Mind you, i'm sure if I could have that chat with the nasty person in the past that invented these convenience foods and they were never invented and I had no choice, I would probably find the energy.
Either that or my family would be raw food vegans!
Do hash browns count as a vegetable serving? Do chicken nuggets count as a protien serving?
If I put them both together and call them dinner will child services come and take my children away?
If I add a token serving of frozen peas does this make everything better?
I wish I could go back in time and have serious words to whoever invented convenience and take away foods. Dinner time is frought (is that the right word?) with guilt, good old mother guilt. I know I should serve a wholegrain, whole food organic diet with five serves of vegies per day etc etc, but quite frankly, I am weak.
There is too much temptation in the shopping freezer cabinets, things that make my life just that little bit easier. I just don't have the energy some nights to do a proper dinner. Mind you, i'm sure if I could have that chat with the nasty person in the past that invented these convenience foods and they were never invented and I had no choice, I would probably find the energy.
Either that or my family would be raw food vegans!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Effort and Failure
The catchcry of my time in the education system seemed to be "that's great honey, imagine what you could have got if you'd tried/studied!"
They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.
I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.
So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.
Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.
They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.
I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.
So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.
Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.
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